365 Days of Posts – The Office Black Girl

365 Days of Posts, Office Stories, The Ebony Alpha, Uncategorized, Updates

Grateful Chaos

October 2, 2023by The Office Black GirlLeave a Comment

The last two weeks have not gone quite how I expected. Despite feeling like a Mack truck has run me over every morning, I am actually in a really good head space.

I just wanted to give a quick update as I finally start to recover from the craziness that has been the last two weeks…

My small business was given an opportunity for a new venture. Unfortunately, the timeline was right in the midst of a big work event, and I underestimated how long it would take. BUT…..I pushed through and got it done, and I think the client was really happy. Plus, it has given me a new fire for my business, which was slowly dying to glowing embers.
I got a raise at work and my own office. My boss is at retirement age, but she is pretty much the owner of the company’s right-hand (wo)man. I feel like she is doing all she can to make sure I don’t quit. I don’t necessarily want her job (at least not all of it; she wears too many hats), but if my business doesn’t blow up…I wouldn’t be surprised if I was named her successor.
My job has a yearly event that is almost two weeks long. I really wanted to update The Ebony Alpha, but between the crazy work schedule and my business project, I couldn’t muster enough brain cells to push through and put out anything good. But I am determined to get a few updates this week.
Lastly, I finally launched The Office Black Girl Coloring Book last month. The paperback is available on Amazon and the digital download is available on Etsy. As of today, I have sold 27 paperbacks and 20 digital downloads. That may seem small to some, but I know how hard it is to get noticed online for anything, so I am soooooo grateful for the orders. If you happen to purchase one, I would greatly appreciate it if you could leave a review (especially a picture one on Amazon ;-)). Gotta compete with the algorithm.

The chaos is calming down at work, but my creative juices are returning. So I am excited to get back into writing and maybe creating another coloring book.

Thank you for all of the new followers and the engagement I have received for The Office Black Girl on various platforms. It honestly means so much.

Here’s to October being an amazing month!

365 Days of Posts, Hair, Mental Health Journey, Office Stories

The Big Chop: More Than A Haircut

August 25, 2023by The Office Black GirlLeave a Comment

In 2018, I had reached such high levels of stress that a large bald spot formed at the top of my head. In the midst of an emotional breakdown, I decided to chop all of my hair off. But I had a hard time accepting the idea of cutting it to buzz cut essentially.

The hair grew back only for a bald spot to return at the start of 2020. I was working in a toxic environment, and that balding only grew when the pandemic hit and I lost my job. Fast forward 3 years later, my body can’t let go of the stress my mind is convinced it has overcome.

So after months (hell, even years) of talking myself out of chopping my hair off, I chopped and buzzed the damaged hair away at the end of last month. Despite some reservations and small precut panic, I actually felt good about the haircut. Which is saying something because it wasn’t barbershop-worthy.

I remember killing the idea of cutting my hair in the past due to the ideas that my husband wouldn’t find me attractive, my head was shaped funny, or I was too fat to have short hair. But my husband has actually been pretty supportive of my decision.

Prior to the big chop, I watched a bunch of TikTok videos to get in the right mindset. For the most part, it felt encouraging to see other black women take on the chop for their own reasons.

When I looked in the mirror to cut off my hair, I saw the damage and realized I was holding on to unhealthy shit. It felt like my hair was the literal embodiment of me holding onto damaging things in my life: people, bad habits, negative thoughts, etc.

I have always seen people talk about how a woman is ready for a change in her life when she does something drastic to her hair. And as cliche as I always thought it was, I am coming to see it as true. While there are still some emotional ties to the loss of my hair, when I look at my short hair, I see new beginnings, hope for new possibilities, and excitement that I can take on anything.

My hair has shown noticeable growth in the past few weeks, which excites me every day. I even went to a dermatologist the day after my haircut to finally have a black woman look at my scalp.

Let me tell you, black women in healthcare make a difference! I went to a dermatologist years ago to examine my scalp for hair issues. He was a white man and was pretty much dismissive. But not this time. I was assigned a nurse practitioner, and the way she listened to me, examined my scalp and gave me treatment options……I almost could have cried. I am looking forward to what my hair will do as I start over.

Have you ever done the big chop? How did you feel before and after?

365 Days of Posts, Hair, Office Stories

White Men and Wig Obsessions

May 31, 2023by The Office Black GirlLeave a Comment

I don’t think I have ever worked somewhere where my hair was a topic of discussion as much as it has been since working for this company. I somewhat blame myself. I allowed myself to be open enough that, somehow, my honesty about a wig has turned into a frequent question about what is on my head.

My director informed me yesterday that the owner of the company asked about my hair. Apparently, he was unable to tell if my real hair was a wig or not. Keep in mind all of my wigs come from Amazon, and they are definitely the cheaper ones. But what I found even odder about the conversation was that he has never had a problem commenting on my hair before to my face, so why the change? But the time he asked, I was rocking my natural hair.

The director then proceeded to tell me that he asked if the other black woman in the office was wearing a wig. The director said, “Oh yea.”

On another note, I do find it interesting that when she started working here, her hair was natural and out. But about a week in, she has worn a wig with no natural hair to be revealed since. There is no judgment, but given that there are only two black women in this company, I wonder if her choice to conceal her natural hair is a conscious one or just a matter of convenience.

Back to me…

What is crazy to me is that the people who have the most comments about my hair are the white men in the office. The IT guy, who comes in once a week, makes a comment every time he sees me, even going as far as to tell me he prefers my real hair.

While I appreciate working for a company that hasn’t tried to punish me for my hair choices (because, let’s be for real, the biases are still real in the corporate world), I am over the fascination. It has taken me years to reach a point where I can leave my house with my natural hair, not in “ideal” curls but in the various levels of curl and puff with confidence. A confidence that comes after years of Eurocentric hair ideals messing with my psyche.

Even with this unwanted spotlight on my hair, I keep my head high, and I own every hairdo I rock to work. But I don’t like the feeling of my relative openness to talk about my hair is starting to make me feel like the star of some sort of freak show.

365 Days of Posts, Office Stories

The Office Calorie Counter

May 1, 2023by The Office Black Girl1 Comment

Working in an office comes with its downfalls, especially in the weight department.

While I make an effort to step away from my desk as often as possible, there is no denying that office jobs are not very active. It doesn’t help if you work someplace that provides snacks or lunch.

I am a whole grown-ass woman. I am very aware of my weight and the choices I make. But there is something greatly annoying about the type of coworkers (usually female) who feel the need to constantly talk about calories and diets.

Like I get it, there are a lot of calories in this free lunch. But I don’t need you to rain on my parade with your depressing facts while I’m just trying to save some money in these wonderful days of inflation.

There is one department at my company that seems to indulge in the conversation of calories every once in a while, but for the most part, I live in the safety of coworkers who believe in the power of snacks and a candy bar stash on a crappy day.

This weekend, I was “lucky” enough to train a possible new hire. While her whole personality didn’t sit right with my spirit, it was her unprovoked need to talk to me about the calories in snack candy packs that sealed her fate in my desire to never work with her again.

You may ask, why does this bother me or think that I am being ridiculous in even blogging about this. And to some degree, I would find that to be a perfectly valid point. But I figured this rambling would be a nice break from the random moments of racist comments in the office 😉

That being said, the office calorie counters remind me of reasons people hate returning back to the office or why they never liked being in the office to begin with. Despite, the problematic stories I have shared so far, I actually like most of my coworkers and even the environment most of the time. But calorie counters hold a special place in my heart of annoyances.

This weekend just reminded me of the delights of being forced to interact with coworkers who feel the need to impose upon you their personal beliefs. Beliefs that are delivered with judgment and zero sense of awareness always make working in the office that much more enjoyable.

365 Days of Posts, Mental Health Journey, Office Stories

What I Didn’t Know About Adderall

March 20, 2023by The Office Black Girl2 Comments

When I was in high school, my parents took me to a psychologist/psychiatrist. They thought that maybe my teenage moodiness may be something chemical.

I was diagnosed with depression and ADD (no H).

I never took anything for the depression (though I should have after a few episodes got a little scary). But I did take something for the ADD. I was originally prescribed Concerta. But that was short-lived because it made me sleepy, which sort of defeated the purpose of taking the medication.

Next, I was prescribed Adderall, which was a game-changer. The two side effects I experienced were a suppressed appetite (which I loved) and a weird emotional numbing. Though some may argue now that I am already emotionally dead inside at times, with Adderall, I really felt the emotional switch.

To say I loved Adderall was an understatement. But unfortunately, my mother went through a weird period where she didn’t want me to be on it. She was afraid that somehow people would label me for being on the medication. Looking back, I can appreciate her concern. People weren’t talking about ADD/ADHD diagnosis and medications back then like they do now. Now, it seems like we accept ADHD like it is a normal thing.

When I was in college, I don’t recall many women/girls being diagnosed, let alone publicly talking about their struggles.

So after years of being on and off Adderall, I was stuck off the train when I found myself on Tricare, and trying to get back on it was a very unfun game of hoop jumping. I never won.

15 years after I last took Adderall, I found myself with insurance and a job that allowed me to visit a doctor. She gave me a trial prescription of Adderall, and to say I was excited doesn’t even begin to cover the emotion I felt. That was until last weekend.

Did you know that Adderall and other ADHD medications can have a side effect of dry eye/blurry vision? I didn’t.

Guess who found out the hard way?

My eyes had started getting a bit sensitive to the light recently. I thought maybe it had something to do with me wearing my contacts too long. Then last weekend, I was suddenly struck with an unbearable level of light sensitivity. I had to miss work because my eyes were so sensitive to the light I could hardly see.

To make a long story short, I suffer from dry eye, but it was never severe or even something I felt. The Adderall exasperated the issue so badly that the receptors in my eyes were basically stripped of moisture, making it painful to open my eyes. A week later and a few hundred dollars spent, my vision is just starting to creep toward normal (I already have crappy vision naturally).

The irony is that the thing that I tried so desperately to get ended up costing me a week of being able to do anything productive because I couldn’t see. I have a follow-up next week about the Adderall, and two days before that, I have to see a cornea specialist for my eyes.

A friend suggested another medication, but now I am scared to try anything else. Guess we will see how this plays out. Just happy I can finally see well enough to type.

365 Days of Posts, Office Stories, Uncategorized

Dogs in the Workplace

March 9, 2023by The Office Black Girl6 Comments

Confessing to people that I don’t really like dogs seems harder than telling people I don’t like children. I don’t get what it is that makes people get more offended that I am not a fan of dogs, but they will quickly agree or accept my issues with children.

I love my children and my nieces and nephews. But children, in general, are not my thing. Amusingly enough, my views about babies are similar to that of dogs. I have moments of delusion that I want another baby, just like I think I want a dog. But I am quickly reminded that I don’t want either every time.

That gibberish aside, let’s talk about my job and the dogs that frequent the space.

One of the managers has a dying dog that she brings to work every day. The dog is pretty calm and only seems to give a defensive growl when she sees someone new or an employee with a hat that she can no longer recognize.

My only issue with her is that she roams the building, and I feel like I can’t leave my food at my desk without worrying about her sticking her nose all in it. Fortunately, she doesn’t jump up for food, but I don’t think people are as mindful of how close they leave community meals near the edge of the table when she is roaming around.

The same manager has a second dog, who doesn’t like me very much. The first time I went into her office, he growled at me. Ever since, he always gives me this huff. She keeps trying to get the dog to come near me as if to apologize. But in my mind, I’m thinking, “Fuck that dog.”

Someone in accounting recently bought a puppy and has brought her into the office. She is tiny and sweet, so of course, I am unbothered by her. There is one more dog that occasionally pops in, and it is my department coworker’s dog. But her dog is old, tiny, and docile. On top of that, she understands and respects the fact that people have their reasons for not loving dogs.

But yesterday…

I was ready to snap at my boss (the owner of the company) when he brought his dog in. When I had my interview, I remember seeing a dog in the building and mentioning that during the interview. They asked if I had a problem with dogs. Of course, I said no (I needed a job) and proceeded to mention as long as it wasn’t a pit, I would be fine.

The two women looked at each other and mentioned the owner had a pit, but he doesn’t really come to the office.

Yesterday, in front of my desk, the manager’s dog (the one that doesn’t like me) and the owner’s dog had a bit of a fight. It immediately triggered my “fight or flight” anxiety.

The owner then proceeded to try to get his pit near me by saying how much I wanted to meet it (I don’t know if it is a girl or boy). I snapped and said I don’t. He then started giving me a weird look and said he didn’t know I had an issue with dogs. I immediately corrected him and told him I have no issues with dogs that are calm and I am familiar with them.

I have issues with pit bulls I have never seen that immediately get into a fight with a dog in front of me and are jump-happy.

I get people love their dogs like children, and I am just trying to get through the workday with as little drama as possible and collect my check. However, my boss would be sadly mistaken if he thinks that the wrong interaction between his dog and I won’t cost him his company.

Cause trust me, I will be quick to promote myself from The Office Black Girl to CEO.

What do you think about dogs in the workplace? Share your thoughts in the comments.

365 Days of Posts, Office Stories

The Internet is a Funny Place

March 8, 2023by The Office Black GirlLeave a Comment

The internet is a funny place. It gives people an exaggerated feeling of their reality-based feelings.

People fear putting themselves out there because they are afraid that the world is watching them and ready to laugh. But the reality is you are lucky if you pop up on a few people’s feeds, and that includes people who actually care about you.

The Internet also seems to give people a ridiculous amount of confidence. Whether it is the confidence to tear people down online because you hide behind a faceless image. Or the comments of strangers blow your head up so big that you somehow think your internet popularity automatically translates to real-life currency by default.

I find myself sitting somewhere in the middle of the delusion. Or maybe it is just a different lane of delusion altogether.

As I bring up this blog to share my thoughts, I wonder if people are already tired of me or who really cares about my office experience. Sometimes it shifts to what if I did become popular online. Would I even be able to maintain content that people would give a shit about?

When I started typing today’s post, I was going to talk about another racially awkward moment with my boss (I have a few new ones). But with the joys of ADHD, I shifted to another track of thinking. But there was a process to getting here.

Today (I actually wrote this yesterday), I took pictures of the women in my office for International Women’s Day. Of course, I knew no one would be happy, and one even asked me if someone would be taking my picture.

I tried to tell the women I would not post anything unflattering of them online, but as I scanned through the pictures, I did start to think about how cruel the internet is. I didn’t edit any of the pictures (because that isn’t even in my skillset), but I did crop them to reduce any anxiety the pictures may trigger.

Usually, I try to stay behind the camera when it comes to my job….for many reasons. But even as I inserted a work photo of myself, I couldn’t help but think about the possibility of someone commenting something nasty on the picture.

So far, the comments have only been kind to the men posted on our social media, but for some reason, I feel like someone won’t be able to help themselves. I hope I am wrong, and I hope these thoughts are just a waste of energy. Because the internet is full of overconfident faceless assholes, and I don’t want to be another faceless asshole who exposed my coworkers to that for social media engagement.

On that note…Happy International Women’s Day.

365 Days of Posts, Office Stories, Uncategorized

When the Racism Surprises You…

February 24, 2023by The Office Black GirlLeave a Comment

I wrote this on Monday and debated on whether I should post it. Then something reminded me of why I started this blog…

On Friday, I was discussing with a coworker about an upcoming work trip I had to take with my boss. I was explaining how there was really no reason for me to go. But my biggest concern was that I may have to share a room with her.

I work for a company where a good 35 percent (or more) of its employees are related or good family friends. The line of boundaries are definitely blurry on a daily basis. So I was concerned that my boss would think that my boundaries would allow her to think I would be okay sharing a room with her.

I am not.

While I may complain about my boss often, I realize it is more me and my need to complain rather than her…or so I thought.

As I was discussing with my coworker (white, male) that I didn’t want to share a room with someone who was going to ask me about why I did certain things to my hair at night or why I wore a bonnet to bed, he shared a problematic story with me.

There used to be a black male who worked in my department (long before me) and apparently he messed up something. She tells my coworker that his mess-up was “very niggerly of him.”

He claims he told her that she couldn’t say that and she proceeded to say it again.

I can’t even describe my feelings at the time though many thoughts ran through my head:

He was a little too comfortable repeating the word she used.
I was surprised, and I wasn’t
Maybe I need to reevaluate my employment here.

Here is where my lack of surprise comes in, she has said other derogatory things about people. Both times she said them to me.

Now before you look down on me from your high horse, I will admit I didn’t correct her. There are some people who you already know are a lost cause, and investing energy to correct them almost feels like a disservice to yourself. But I will understand if you disagree.

My husband was supportive of the idea of me leaving, but the reality is that I need this job. There are annoyances for sure, but I can’t ignore the fact that despite her MASSIVELY problematic flaws, my boss actually treats me well.

She doesn’t harass me when I am late. On more than one occasion, I couldn’t come to work for various reasons and she told me to just take care of myself and what I needed to do. Hell, she actually values my opinion at work and that is saying something given my past experiences.

But even as I type this, I can’t help but think about why I am sharing this. We live in such a woke time that I could see people judging me for not quitting or exposing her to Black Twitter.

The reality is, I know I am not the only black woman who has had to put up with shit to get to their final goal. My goal is to get me and my family to a better place financially and I need this job to do that. There are also connections that come with this job that I can’t deny either.

So at the end of the day, I have to admit that my vision of a life after this job outweighs the outrage I feel from a water cooler conversation.

However, we will see what the future holds…

365 Days of Posts, Mental Health Journey, Office Stories

Sometimes The Money Isn’t Enough

Featuredby The Office Black GirlLeave a Comment

It is almost 10 at night and I am sitting here trying to gather the bottom-of-the-barrel brain cells to complete a freelance job for someone. My contacts are hours past the point of needing to be taken out, and my annoyance is just tapering off.

I started doing freelance marketing work during the start of the pandemic because, like so many others, I found myself unemployed. For years, I felt fortunate to have clients to help build my portfolio and give me a steady line of work without constantly hustling for work.

But I think I have reached the point where I can no longer ignore the burnout, even if it has been screaming in my face for months.

I had a conversation today with a co-worker. We talked about work-life balance and how basically, our mental health falls behind our desire to pay bills. I find myself making that “joke” a lot: my bills don’t give a fuck about my mental health, or me mentally breaking down just to keep my credit from falling to shit.

My husband tells me to quit the freelance stuff. He has even encouraged me to invest more time into The Office Black Girl. But this online world doesn’t pay the bills. While I appreciate his belief in me, fear runs deep in my veins.

I hate to admit that I have had the chance to pursue my side hustles and projects as something full-time, but I messed up. I wasted my opportunities and, even worse, a lot of money. So I find myself here on a Thursday night, trying to find a single thread of thought to latch onto and create this content for this client before I go to bed.

Do I want to? No. Do I secretly want the client to tell me that they have found a cheaper option and “fire” me? Maybe.

Then I remember I have a credit card payment due that has yet another late fee attached to it. And I remind myself that I must keep doing the work, despite everything else overflowing on my plate.

But maybe one day I will just let it go and focus on what I find joy in…..maybe.

365 Days of Posts, Office Stories

Working & Bleeding

Featuredby The Office Black GirlLeave a Comment

Years ago, I was one of the “lucky” women with “easy” periods. With the wonderful help of birth control, I would have a period for about a day and didn’t have any crazy side effects. Well, I did get abnormally horny. That would usually be a T.M.I. portion of the story, but we are talking about periods.

But in recent years, I swear Karma is getting her lick back or something because dealing with my period is now a whole ordeal.

I have now started getting migraines that make me question my existence, followed by my whole body deciding to jump on the dumpster fire train. But what adds to the misery is having to go to work while my body betrays me. I have been looking at the same billboard design for the last hour, hoping no one notices that I have barely tapped on my keyboard.

If I didn’t know better, I would think I was sick.

Or maybe I am sick. While my bad mood may be the only contagious symptom, the rest should warrant a sick day without penalty. To be fair, I could probably ask my director to go home without any issue. But this is a reoccurring problem; unfortunately, our society is not built to give a shit about accommodating the complications of women’s menstrual cycles and work demands.

It is as if the natural occurrences of being a woman become obstacles to being a well-balanced, career woman. In 2023, we should stop treating men’s lives as the standard for workplace expectations. Because how can you win at work when only half the workforce can experience the burden of mother nature, and many of them don’t bother to understand?