The Office Black Girl

Mental Health Journey, Motherhood, Uncategorized

Therapy Journey: Surprise…I’m Depressed

June 9, 2023by The Office Black Girl1 Comment

It is a Friday night, and I am trying to milk the last of the power of my ADHD medication to push me through to type this.

Since my first post about therapy, I have had two sessions. Before my first session, my husband and I had an uncomfortable conversation about his next career move and the impact it will have on my mental health. I immediately informed him that I had started the process of going to therapy, and he sounded relieved, even proud.

I didn’t tell anyone else before my first session. I wanted to see what I was getting myself into first.

My first session was a bit of a hot mess, but that was on me. I found myself word vomiting answers that weren’t part of her questions. But at the same time, I was holding back because I was all too aware that my husband and son were within hearing distance.

To add to the hot mess, my phone was blowing up during the session (I took the video call on my phone), and I had to hang up at one point because of an Instacart drama. After that first session, she sent me a packet about dealing with depression, and it was an eye-opener.

In the two weeks that followed, I realized I have been battling with depression for a while and have downplayed it as something else. On the day of my second session, I woke up and just felt dead inside and realized that it was not uncommon for me to feel that way.

When I got to work that day, I started wondering if I needed to be on antidepressants. But I knew that would be another hurdle because my therapist doesn’t have the ability to write prescriptions and my insurance is already a bit of a headache about dealing with mental health that doesn’t involve the immediate threat of suicide.

During my second session, we discussed the causes of my depression and my spiraling episodes, as well as techniques to help deal with depression.

The biggest thing I took from the second session was the idea of “should.” She made me realize how much of a hold that idea of what I “should” be fuels my spiral. The idea that I should be further in my career, I should be a better mother/wife, I should be doing a lot of things, are expectations that I put on myself that hinder me from moving forward or even finding joy.

I have been working on the idea of letting go of “should” and replacing it with “I am doing the best that I can” or some other forgiving/positive thought. But I won’t lie, it is hard. I was raised with expectations and they are deeply rooted in me. So the idea that I am falling short of them on a daily basis feels like it is a hard thing to just give myself a pass that doesn’t feel deserved.

While I’m still not sure how I feel about therapy so far, I am anxious to continue. Maybe that is what I am overlooking….my way of thinking is what landed me in therapy. Maybe it is time to really give in to thinking a different way and therapy is definitely different.

What does therapy mean to you? Is it a space to vent, be analyzed, be comforted, or something else? Comment below because I would love to know what others think about therapy.

365 Days of Posts, Hair, Office Stories

White Men and Wig Obsessions

May 31, 2023by The Office Black GirlLeave a Comment

I don’t think I have ever worked somewhere where my hair was a topic of discussion as much as it has been since working for this company. I somewhat blame myself. I allowed myself to be open enough that, somehow, my honesty about a wig has turned into a frequent question about what is on my head.

My director informed me yesterday that the owner of the company asked about my hair. Apparently, he was unable to tell if my real hair was a wig or not. Keep in mind all of my wigs come from Amazon, and they are definitely the cheaper ones. But what I found even odder about the conversation was that he has never had a problem commenting on my hair before to my face, so why the change? But the time he asked, I was rocking my natural hair.

The director then proceeded to tell me that he asked if the other black woman in the office was wearing a wig. The director said, “Oh yea.”

On another note, I do find it interesting that when she started working here, her hair was natural and out. But about a week in, she has worn a wig with no natural hair to be revealed since. There is no judgment, but given that there are only two black women in this company, I wonder if her choice to conceal her natural hair is a conscious one or just a matter of convenience.

Back to me…

What is crazy to me is that the people who have the most comments about my hair are the white men in the office. The IT guy, who comes in once a week, makes a comment every time he sees me, even going as far as to tell me he prefers my real hair.

While I appreciate working for a company that hasn’t tried to punish me for my hair choices (because, let’s be for real, the biases are still real in the corporate world), I am over the fascination. It has taken me years to reach a point where I can leave my house with my natural hair, not in “ideal” curls but in the various levels of curl and puff with confidence. A confidence that comes after years of Eurocentric hair ideals messing with my psyche.

Even with this unwanted spotlight on my hair, I keep my head high, and I own every hairdo I rock to work. But I don’t like the feeling of my relative openness to talk about my hair is starting to make me feel like the star of some sort of freak show.

Uncategorized

My “Weirdness” About Memorial Day

May 29, 2023by The Office Black GirlLeave a Comment

I need to start off with the fact that Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day are not the same. Memorial Day is to remember those who passed away while serving our country. Veteran’s Day is for all who have served.

It is probably not that serious in the grand scheme of things, but for some reason, I find great annoyance when I see people’s posts, especially a business, that seems to lump the two together.

I will also add, my husband served, as well as my father and several other family members. It s probably what makes me more aware of the way people seem to confuse the two days, but I think it would slightly bug me even if I had no connection to the military.

As a business owner and someone who works in marketing, I always feel weird about posting about certain holidays, and Memorial Day is one of them. I am an overthinker, so that doesn’t help my cringe.

I feel some type of way about posting sales for a holiday that is meant to honor the dead, but I am not immune to engaging in a sale or enjoying the day off (though my current job does not believe in taking off for Memorial Day). I try to acknowledge the day for what it is, but as a black business owner operating during an overly sensitive time period, I get wary that a potential customer will look at my business as “too political.”

Even crazier, I get worried that my “patriotic” post will attract extreme right-leaning followers who will then be offended when I make a reference to being a “black woman-owned business.” While I don’t care if my customers’ political views align with mine, I just don’t want it to be an issue when they engage with me and my business.

With all of the crazy that runs through my mind, I do choose to at least post about it. A few years ago, a friend of mine from college was killed while serving. Only months before, he had messaged me that he was finally going to get out of the military. I found out he was killed through Facebook. He had served for as long as I had known him, but to think he was ready to get out and finally start a new chapter in his life…

…it makes it that much more important that I acknowledge Memorial Day for what it is. A remembrance of those who made the ultimate sacrifice.

Mental Health Journey, Motherhood

Therapy Journey (Part One)

May 11, 2023by The Office Black Girl3 Comments

Last night, I reached a breaking point.

Google had told me that one of my oldest accounts was maxed out on storage, and I needed to clear space for storage or pay for it. That led me down the rabbit hole of old videos and pictures of my son.

My ovaries ached a little bit, looking at this little person I spent so much time with as a stay-at-home mom. And his little voice just hit me in the heart. But the longer I watched the videos, my mental state started crumbling.

Suddenly I wasn’t seeing a happy little toddler on my phone screen, but a flood of bad memories of things that happened during those years. Years of me feeling like I was failing as a young mother (thoughts I still struggle with now) while I was struggling to figure out my life.

Perspective and social media are amusing because they both can give you the false idea from the outside that everything is perfect for someone else. I look back on old memories and see comments of people reflecting positively on a happy moment in time that I shared. But I was struggling for years.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t as if I never had a happy moment. I had plenty of them.

But last night made me realize that despite my growth as a woman, a mother, and a wife, I still have demons that I have only managed to quiet at times with noise. During the quiet, unexpected moments…they definitely rise against me.

Despite all of the change in practices and views on mental health, people often overlook the simple thing of cost and time that comes with taking care of your mental health. Even online therapy costs money, and spending time trying to find the right therapist causes me anxiety at the thought of spending time and money trying to find the right one before I even get help.

I finally looked into my healthcare options and started the process today to book my first session. My insurance offers options, thankfully, but they are a bit limited. I am hoping that this will be the first real step in healing the wounds I merely bandaged for years.

Today, I really hate where my desk is positioned. I have been crying as I type this, and I am exposed to my coworkers and people coming into the office. One delivery guy just made a comment about allergies…my eyes must be red (just checked, they are a little). But it is just a confirmation that I finally need to do something to heal myself because time doesn’t heal all wounds.

Have you gone to therapy? What has been your experience in tackling your mental health issues?

365 Days of Posts, Office Stories

The Office Calorie Counter

May 1, 2023by The Office Black Girl1 Comment

Working in an office comes with its downfalls, especially in the weight department.

While I make an effort to step away from my desk as often as possible, there is no denying that office jobs are not very active. It doesn’t help if you work someplace that provides snacks or lunch.

I am a whole grown-ass woman. I am very aware of my weight and the choices I make. But there is something greatly annoying about the type of coworkers (usually female) who feel the need to constantly talk about calories and diets.

Like I get it, there are a lot of calories in this free lunch. But I don’t need you to rain on my parade with your depressing facts while I’m just trying to save some money in these wonderful days of inflation.

There is one department at my company that seems to indulge in the conversation of calories every once in a while, but for the most part, I live in the safety of coworkers who believe in the power of snacks and a candy bar stash on a crappy day.

This weekend, I was “lucky” enough to train a possible new hire. While her whole personality didn’t sit right with my spirit, it was her unprovoked need to talk to me about the calories in snack candy packs that sealed her fate in my desire to never work with her again.

You may ask, why does this bother me or think that I am being ridiculous in even blogging about this. And to some degree, I would find that to be a perfectly valid point. But I figured this rambling would be a nice break from the random moments of racist comments in the office 😉

That being said, the office calorie counters remind me of reasons people hate returning back to the office or why they never liked being in the office to begin with. Despite, the problematic stories I have shared so far, I actually like most of my coworkers and even the environment most of the time. But calorie counters hold a special place in my heart of annoyances.

This weekend just reminded me of the delights of being forced to interact with coworkers who feel the need to impose upon you their personal beliefs. Beliefs that are delivered with judgment and zero sense of awareness always make working in the office that much more enjoyable.

Uncategorized

Double Homicide: Offending Black People and Asians

April 20, 2023by The Office Black GirlLeave a Comment

It is the end of the day, and I have been running on fumes since I woke up this morning.

I even contemplated how I was going to find the energy to talk about my hair being the topic of discussion at work, but after another racially focused conversation with my boss…

I figured, let’s get into it…while on the clock.

One of my good friends is getting married this weekend. Because I don’t have the time or patience to deal with getting my hair done, I decided to put passion twists in my hair this past weekend. I figured the changing of my hair would bring some people to comment (it always does), but today felt a bit different.

The only people who commented were the owner of the company, a manager, and one other person. All three of them are white men. I don’t think a single woman said anything to me about my hair today. The manager asked me how long it took, which took me by surprise. He and the owner both told me my hair looked nice. I awkwardly accepted the comment and moved on.

But it was the third guy who made me feel some type of way. He said my hair made me look like I was ready to fight. I rolled with it and said I am always ready to fight to make a joke out of it. A coworker from my department happened to be around, and she made a comment. She asked if I had ever worked somewhere where so many people had something to say about my hair.

I was quick to suppress my initial response of “No, because I have never worked in such a minimally diverse company before,” but I just laughed and told her no.

But it is not the first time that someone has made a comment about me basically whooping someone’s ass. I was introduced to a new employee, and his manager basically told him that while my coworker may kick his butt, I definitely would. On St. Patrick’s Day, I failed to wear green, and another manager made a comment about if she pinched me that I would probably knock her out.

There have been other comments here and there, but today really had me reflect on them. I am not a tiny girl, and I definitely make it known that I will not put up with shit. But at the same time, I can not recall a time that I have asserted myself as a violent person without real provocation.

I told my husband, as I always do. He asked if I was okay, and I said either I am too tired or I just accepted that it isn’t worth having the awkward conversation. Though I did ask the manager if I seemed like a violent person. He said no and smirked before saying I look like I could hold my own, though, and I look like I was “raised.”

But as I step away from my assumptions about my coworkers and my blackness, I stepped right into another conversation about Asians.

Now, I do feel like we live in an overly PC society these days, and many people are too easily offended. However, I try to stay in my lane to some extent. It is not my place to tell another marginalized group how they should feel about certain language targeted at them. So when it comes to the word “Oriental,” I try to fall in line with the least problematic approach.

So today, my boss is telling us a story and stated that he was informed he shouldn’t use a word about Asians. While he was trying to remember the word, I offered, “I hope you don’t mean ‘oriental.'”

He tells me that it is and asks me why it is offensive and why young people felt it was their job to dictate that. I always find it funny how comfortable he is spewing out bullshit.

I simply told him from my understanding that oriental is usually in reference to objects and that the history of the word has had a negative connotation in reference to Asian people. Long story short, he stated he would still use the word and he determined it was not offensive.

WTF!?

It is such a roller coaster working here because, for the most part, I genuinely like the people I work with, but some of the older people (and a few younger ones) say some problematic shit. And I always wonder where that leaves me when I am smack dab in the middle of it with no exit plan.

The Ebony Alpha

The Ebony Alpha Update

March 28, 2023by The Office Black GirlLeave a Comment

If you follow me on social media or have read my recent post, you know that I have been having vision problems.

Unfortunately, the issue hasn’t gotten much better. But I am pushing through.

I appreciate the patience that I have received in updating The Ebony Alpha. I am working on an update and will have a new chapter live tomorrow (3/29).

I would love to hear what you think so far in the comments below. If you haven’t started, you can find The Ebony Alpha on Wattpad and Dreame.

365 Days of Posts, Mental Health Journey, Office Stories

What I Didn’t Know About Adderall

March 20, 2023by The Office Black Girl2 Comments

When I was in high school, my parents took me to a psychologist/psychiatrist. They thought that maybe my teenage moodiness may be something chemical.

I was diagnosed with depression and ADD (no H).

I never took anything for the depression (though I should have after a few episodes got a little scary). But I did take something for the ADD. I was originally prescribed Concerta. But that was short-lived because it made me sleepy, which sort of defeated the purpose of taking the medication.

Next, I was prescribed Adderall, which was a game-changer. The two side effects I experienced were a suppressed appetite (which I loved) and a weird emotional numbing. Though some may argue now that I am already emotionally dead inside at times, with Adderall, I really felt the emotional switch.

To say I loved Adderall was an understatement. But unfortunately, my mother went through a weird period where she didn’t want me to be on it. She was afraid that somehow people would label me for being on the medication. Looking back, I can appreciate her concern. People weren’t talking about ADD/ADHD diagnosis and medications back then like they do now. Now, it seems like we accept ADHD like it is a normal thing.

When I was in college, I don’t recall many women/girls being diagnosed, let alone publicly talking about their struggles.

So after years of being on and off Adderall, I was stuck off the train when I found myself on Tricare, and trying to get back on it was a very unfun game of hoop jumping. I never won.

15 years after I last took Adderall, I found myself with insurance and a job that allowed me to visit a doctor. She gave me a trial prescription of Adderall, and to say I was excited doesn’t even begin to cover the emotion I felt. That was until last weekend.

Did you know that Adderall and other ADHD medications can have a side effect of dry eye/blurry vision? I didn’t.

Guess who found out the hard way?

My eyes had started getting a bit sensitive to the light recently. I thought maybe it had something to do with me wearing my contacts too long. Then last weekend, I was suddenly struck with an unbearable level of light sensitivity. I had to miss work because my eyes were so sensitive to the light I could hardly see.

To make a long story short, I suffer from dry eye, but it was never severe or even something I felt. The Adderall exasperated the issue so badly that the receptors in my eyes were basically stripped of moisture, making it painful to open my eyes. A week later and a few hundred dollars spent, my vision is just starting to creep toward normal (I already have crappy vision naturally).

The irony is that the thing that I tried so desperately to get ended up costing me a week of being able to do anything productive because I couldn’t see. I have a follow-up next week about the Adderall, and two days before that, I have to see a cornea specialist for my eyes.

A friend suggested another medication, but now I am scared to try anything else. Guess we will see how this plays out. Just happy I can finally see well enough to type.

365 Days of Posts, Office Stories, Uncategorized

Dogs in the Workplace

March 9, 2023by The Office Black Girl6 Comments

Confessing to people that I don’t really like dogs seems harder than telling people I don’t like children. I don’t get what it is that makes people get more offended that I am not a fan of dogs, but they will quickly agree or accept my issues with children.

I love my children and my nieces and nephews. But children, in general, are not my thing. Amusingly enough, my views about babies are similar to that of dogs. I have moments of delusion that I want another baby, just like I think I want a dog. But I am quickly reminded that I don’t want either every time.

That gibberish aside, let’s talk about my job and the dogs that frequent the space.

One of the managers has a dying dog that she brings to work every day. The dog is pretty calm and only seems to give a defensive growl when she sees someone new or an employee with a hat that she can no longer recognize.

My only issue with her is that she roams the building, and I feel like I can’t leave my food at my desk without worrying about her sticking her nose all in it. Fortunately, she doesn’t jump up for food, but I don’t think people are as mindful of how close they leave community meals near the edge of the table when she is roaming around.

The same manager has a second dog, who doesn’t like me very much. The first time I went into her office, he growled at me. Ever since, he always gives me this huff. She keeps trying to get the dog to come near me as if to apologize. But in my mind, I’m thinking, “Fuck that dog.”

Someone in accounting recently bought a puppy and has brought her into the office. She is tiny and sweet, so of course, I am unbothered by her. There is one more dog that occasionally pops in, and it is my department coworker’s dog. But her dog is old, tiny, and docile. On top of that, she understands and respects the fact that people have their reasons for not loving dogs.

But yesterday…

I was ready to snap at my boss (the owner of the company) when he brought his dog in. When I had my interview, I remember seeing a dog in the building and mentioning that during the interview. They asked if I had a problem with dogs. Of course, I said no (I needed a job) and proceeded to mention as long as it wasn’t a pit, I would be fine.

The two women looked at each other and mentioned the owner had a pit, but he doesn’t really come to the office.

Yesterday, in front of my desk, the manager’s dog (the one that doesn’t like me) and the owner’s dog had a bit of a fight. It immediately triggered my “fight or flight” anxiety.

The owner then proceeded to try to get his pit near me by saying how much I wanted to meet it (I don’t know if it is a girl or boy). I snapped and said I don’t. He then started giving me a weird look and said he didn’t know I had an issue with dogs. I immediately corrected him and told him I have no issues with dogs that are calm and I am familiar with them.

I have issues with pit bulls I have never seen that immediately get into a fight with a dog in front of me and are jump-happy.

I get people love their dogs like children, and I am just trying to get through the workday with as little drama as possible and collect my check. However, my boss would be sadly mistaken if he thinks that the wrong interaction between his dog and I won’t cost him his company.

Cause trust me, I will be quick to promote myself from The Office Black Girl to CEO.

What do you think about dogs in the workplace? Share your thoughts in the comments.

365 Days of Posts, Office Stories

The Internet is a Funny Place

March 8, 2023by The Office Black GirlLeave a Comment

The internet is a funny place. It gives people an exaggerated feeling of their reality-based feelings.

People fear putting themselves out there because they are afraid that the world is watching them and ready to laugh. But the reality is you are lucky if you pop up on a few people’s feeds, and that includes people who actually care about you.

The Internet also seems to give people a ridiculous amount of confidence. Whether it is the confidence to tear people down online because you hide behind a faceless image. Or the comments of strangers blow your head up so big that you somehow think your internet popularity automatically translates to real-life currency by default.

I find myself sitting somewhere in the middle of the delusion. Or maybe it is just a different lane of delusion altogether.

As I bring up this blog to share my thoughts, I wonder if people are already tired of me or who really cares about my office experience. Sometimes it shifts to what if I did become popular online. Would I even be able to maintain content that people would give a shit about?

When I started typing today’s post, I was going to talk about another racially awkward moment with my boss (I have a few new ones). But with the joys of ADHD, I shifted to another track of thinking. But there was a process to getting here.

Today (I actually wrote this yesterday), I took pictures of the women in my office for International Women’s Day. Of course, I knew no one would be happy, and one even asked me if someone would be taking my picture.

I tried to tell the women I would not post anything unflattering of them online, but as I scanned through the pictures, I did start to think about how cruel the internet is. I didn’t edit any of the pictures (because that isn’t even in my skillset), but I did crop them to reduce any anxiety the pictures may trigger.

Usually, I try to stay behind the camera when it comes to my job….for many reasons. But even as I inserted a work photo of myself, I couldn’t help but think about the possibility of someone commenting something nasty on the picture.

So far, the comments have only been kind to the men posted on our social media, but for some reason, I feel like someone won’t be able to help themselves. I hope I am wrong, and I hope these thoughts are just a waste of energy. Because the internet is full of overconfident faceless assholes, and I don’t want to be another faceless asshole who exposed my coworkers to that for social media engagement.

On that note…Happy International Women’s Day.