June 2023 – The Office Black Girl

Years ago, I worked at a company that was toxic. What a surprise, right?

While there were many problems with the company and leadership, I couldn’t deny that the company put many women in leadership roles. Should those women have been in management? Fuck no. But it was something (I guess).

Despite the poor examples of women in leadership roles, there was a meeting they held on Women’s International Day or during Women’s History Month (I don’t remember), and one of the women VPs made a comment that will forever stay with me.

She talked about applying for jobs and the difference between men and women. When women apply for a job, they ask the question of “why,” while men often say, “Why not?”

As women, we often look at job postings and compare them to our own experiences and overthink the process. But a man who may have little to no qualifications that match will proceed with an application and say, “Why not me?”

While this is an overgeneralization, it has stuck with me. I have often limited myself because it is hard to wrap my mind around the idea of “Why not” as opposed to thinking of every reason why I shouldn’t or what could go wrong.

The Office Black girl is a prime example of my overthinking. My dashboard sits with dozens of started blog posts that sit in drafts because I am wary of posting them. The same goes with stories I have started and sit hidden on my laptop. Because I dwell too much on the idea that I will create stories that will offend, bore, or go completely unnoticed. What if I share something that reads like an incompetent person wrote it? So I ask myself….why? Why share my stories? Why embarrass myself?

It’s funny what a couple sessions of therapy and a song can do for your mindset.

Recently, I stumbled across this song by Erica Mason called “Do It Anyway,” and it has been on repeat during my morning commute to work. It’s definitely a motivator to really push myself in the areas I am passionate about despite my hesitations. Maybe I’ll even post/share those drafts that have been clogging up my dashboard and laptop.

While I still ask, “Why,” my brain is slowly starting to lean more frequently toward “Why not” and proceed to do it anyway. Hopefully, this is a wave I can ride for a while. Or better yet….why not forever?

What is motivating you these days?

It is a Friday night, and I am trying to milk the last of the power of my ADHD medication to push me through to type this.

Since my first post about therapy, I have had two sessions. Before my first session, my husband and I had an uncomfortable conversation about his next career move and the impact it will have on my mental health. I immediately informed him that I had started the process of going to therapy, and he sounded relieved, even proud.

I didn’t tell anyone else before my first session. I wanted to see what I was getting myself into first.

My first session was a bit of a hot mess, but that was on me. I found myself word vomiting answers that weren’t part of her questions. But at the same time, I was holding back because I was all too aware that my husband and son were within hearing distance.

To add to the hot mess, my phone was blowing up during the session (I took the video call on my phone), and I had to hang up at one point because of an Instacart drama. After that first session, she sent me a packet about dealing with depression, and it was an eye-opener.

In the two weeks that followed, I realized I have been battling with depression for a while and have downplayed it as something else. On the day of my second session, I woke up and just felt dead inside and realized that it was not uncommon for me to feel that way.

When I got to work that day, I started wondering if I needed to be on antidepressants. But I knew that would be another hurdle because my therapist doesn’t have the ability to write prescriptions and my insurance is already a bit of a headache about dealing with mental health that doesn’t involve the immediate threat of suicide.

During my second session, we discussed the causes of my depression and my spiraling episodes, as well as techniques to help deal with depression.

The biggest thing I took from the second session was the idea of “should.” She made me realize how much of a hold that idea of what I “should” be fuels my spiral. The idea that I should be further in my career, I should be a better mother/wife, I should be doing a lot of things, are expectations that I put on myself that hinder me from moving forward or even finding joy.

I have been working on the idea of letting go of “should” and replacing it with “I am doing the best that I can” or some other forgiving/positive thought. But I won’t lie, it is hard. I was raised with expectations and they are deeply rooted in me. So the idea that I am falling short of them on a daily basis feels like it is a hard thing to just give myself a pass that doesn’t feel deserved.

While I’m still not sure how I feel about therapy so far, I am anxious to continue. Maybe that is what I am overlooking….my way of thinking is what landed me in therapy. Maybe it is time to really give in to thinking a different way and therapy is definitely different.

What does therapy mean to you? Is it a space to vent, be analyzed, be comforted, or something else? Comment below because I would love to know what others think about therapy.

Month: June 2023

Do It Anyway Because…Why Not?

Therapy Journey: Surprise…I’m Depressed