If you follow me on social media or have read my recent post, you know that I have been having vision problems.
Unfortunately, the issue hasn’t gotten much better. But I am pushing through.
I appreciate the patience that I have received in updating The Ebony Alpha. I am working on an update and will have a new chapter live tomorrow (3/29).
I would love to hear what you think so far in the comments below. If you haven’t started, you can find The Ebony Alpha on Wattpad and Dreame.
When I was in high school, my parents took me to a psychologist/psychiatrist. They thought that maybe my teenage moodiness may be something chemical.
I was diagnosed with depression and ADD (no H).
I never took anything for the depression (though I should have after a few episodes got a little scary). But I did take something for the ADD. I was originally prescribed Concerta. But that was short-lived because it made me sleepy, which sort of defeated the purpose of taking the medication.
Next, I was prescribed Adderall, which was a game-changer. The two side effects I experienced were a suppressed appetite (which I loved) and a weird emotional numbing. Though some may argue now that I am already emotionally dead inside at times, with Adderall, I really felt the emotional switch.
To say I loved Adderall was an understatement. But unfortunately, my mother went through a weird period where she didn’t want me to be on it. She was afraid that somehow people would label me for being on the medication. Looking back, I can appreciate her concern. People weren’t talking about ADD/ADHD diagnosis and medications back then like they do now. Now, it seems like we accept ADHD like it is a normal thing.
When I was in college, I don’t recall many women/girls being diagnosed, let alone publicly talking about their struggles.
So after years of being on and off Adderall, I was stuck off the train when I found myself on Tricare, and trying to get back on it was a very unfun game of hoop jumping. I never won.
15 years after I last took Adderall, I found myself with insurance and a job that allowed me to visit a doctor. She gave me a trial prescription of Adderall, and to say I was excited doesn’t even begin to cover the emotion I felt. That was until last weekend.
Did you know that Adderall and other ADHD medications can have a side effect of dry eye/blurry vision? I didn’t.
Guess who found out the hard way?
My eyes had started getting a bit sensitive to the light recently. I thought maybe it had something to do with me wearing my contacts too long. Then last weekend, I was suddenly struck with an unbearable level of light sensitivity. I had to miss work because my eyes were so sensitive to the light I could hardly see.
To make a long story short, I suffer from dry eye, but it was never severe or even something I felt. The Adderall exasperated the issue so badly that the receptors in my eyes were basically stripped of moisture, making it painful to open my eyes. A week later and a few hundred dollars spent, my vision is just starting to creep toward normal (I already have crappy vision naturally).
The irony is that the thing that I tried so desperately to get ended up costing me a week of being able to do anything productive because I couldn’t see. I have a follow-up next week about the Adderall, and two days before that, I have to see a cornea specialist for my eyes.
A friend suggested another medication, but now I am scared to try anything else. Guess we will see how this plays out. Just happy I can finally see well enough to type.
Confessing to people that I don’t really like dogs seems harder than telling people I don’t like children. I don’t get what it is that makes people get more offended that I am not a fan of dogs, but they will quickly agree or accept my issues with children.
I love my children and my nieces and nephews. But children, in general, are not my thing. Amusingly enough, my views about babies are similar to that of dogs. I have moments of delusion that I want another baby, just like I think I want a dog. But I am quickly reminded that I don’t want either every time.
That gibberish aside, let’s talk about my job and the dogs that frequent the space.
One of the managers has a dying dog that she brings to work every day. The dog is pretty calm and only seems to give a defensive growl when she sees someone new or an employee with a hat that she can no longer recognize.
My only issue with her is that she roams the building, and I feel like I can’t leave my food at my desk without worrying about her sticking her nose all in it. Fortunately, she doesn’t jump up for food, but I don’t think people are as mindful of how close they leave community meals near the edge of the table when she is roaming around.
The same manager has a second dog, who doesn’t like me very much. The first time I went into her office, he growled at me. Ever since, he always gives me this huff. She keeps trying to get the dog to come near me as if to apologize. But in my mind, I’m thinking, “Fuck that dog.”
Someone in accounting recently bought a puppy and has brought her into the office. She is tiny and sweet, so of course, I am unbothered by her. There is one more dog that occasionally pops in, and it is my department coworker’s dog. But her dog is old, tiny, and docile. On top of that, she understands and respects the fact that people have their reasons for not loving dogs.
But yesterday…
I was ready to snap at my boss (the owner of the company) when he brought his dog in. When I had my interview, I remember seeing a dog in the building and mentioning that during the interview. They asked if I had a problem with dogs. Of course, I said no (I needed a job) and proceeded to mention as long as it wasn’t a pit, I would be fine.
The two women looked at each other and mentioned the owner had a pit, but he doesn’t really come to the office.
Yesterday, in front of my desk, the manager’s dog (the one that doesn’t like me) and the owner’s dog had a bit of a fight. It immediately triggered my “fight or flight” anxiety.
The owner then proceeded to try to get his pit near me by saying how much I wanted to meet it (I don’t know if it is a girl or boy). I snapped and said I don’t. He then started giving me a weird look and said he didn’t know I had an issue with dogs. I immediately corrected him and told him I have no issues with dogs that are calm and I am familiar with them.
I have issues with pit bulls I have never seen that immediately get into a fight with a dog in front of me and are jump-happy.
I get people love their dogs like children, and I am just trying to get through the workday with as little drama as possible and collect my check. However, my boss would be sadly mistaken if he thinks that the wrong interaction between his dog and I won’t cost him his company.
Cause trust me, I will be quick to promote myself from The Office Black Girl to CEO.
What do you think about dogs in the workplace? Share your thoughts in the comments.
The internet is a funny place. It gives people an exaggerated feeling of their reality-based feelings.
People fear putting themselves out there because they are afraid that the world is watching them and ready to laugh. But the reality is you are lucky if you pop up on a few people’s feeds, and that includes people who actually care about you.
The Internet also seems to give people a ridiculous amount of confidence. Whether it is the confidence to tear people down online because you hide behind a faceless image. Or the comments of strangers blow your head up so big that you somehow think your internet popularity automatically translates to real-life currency by default.
I find myself sitting somewhere in the middle of the delusion. Or maybe it is just a different lane of delusion altogether.
As I bring up this blog to share my thoughts, I wonder if people are already tired of me or who really cares about my office experience. Sometimes it shifts to what if I did become popular online. Would I even be able to maintain content that people would give a shit about?
When I started typing today’s post, I was going to talk about another racially awkward moment with my boss (I have a few new ones). But with the joys of ADHD, I shifted to another track of thinking. But there was a process to getting here.
Today (I actually wrote this yesterday), I took pictures of the women in my office for International Women’s Day. Of course, I knew no one would be happy, and one even asked me if someone would be taking my picture.
I tried to tell the women I would not post anything unflattering of them online, but as I scanned through the pictures, I did start to think about how cruel the internet is. I didn’t edit any of the pictures (because that isn’t even in my skillset), but I did crop them to reduce any anxiety the pictures may trigger.
Usually, I try to stay behind the camera when it comes to my job….for many reasons. But even as I inserted a work photo of myself, I couldn’t help but think about the possibility of someone commenting something nasty on the picture.
So far, the comments have only been kind to the men posted on our social media, but for some reason, I feel like someone won’t be able to help themselves. I hope I am wrong, and I hope these thoughts are just a waste of energy. Because the internet is full of overconfident faceless assholes, and I don’t want to be another faceless asshole who exposed my coworkers to that for social media engagement.
On that note…Happy International Women’s Day.
The Office Black Girl 