It has been over a year since I last posted and so much has happened.
So many beautiful and painful things have consumed my days that I didn’t even know where to begin to share my thoughts. However, today I was reminded why so many black women feel the need to guard themselves from the world. Because while we want to share our vulnerable side, we are often reminded that even those closest to us cannot seem to comprehend that we need help too.
July has been the hardest month I’ve had in quite some time. Mounting debt, poor sales for my business, and other personal issues had my depression in a feeding frenzy. More often than I care to share, I would stand in my home as silence crept around me and wonder if my death would ultimately bring relief to my family.
While my brain is trained to keep my darkest thoughts and feelings to myself as to avoid burdening others, I made the mistake of sharing some of my darkness with someone I love dearly. I regretted it instantly.
The need to protect even my most dangerous thoughts was confirmed when this person angerly replied that other people had worse problems and maybe I SHOULD GO AHEAD AND DO IT….
What is more ridiculous is the fact that I was more mad at myself for even sharing my feelings than the fact that someone I love told me to go ahead and unalive myself. How messed up is that?
My mother always told me that you have to learn to save yourself because NO ONE else is going to do it. Those words have been dragging me through this episode while my depression fights to keep me unproductive. It is my mother’s strength that keeps me going even if I refuse to tell her what is going on.
I can’t lose this battle for the sake of my son and I am working on ways to heal but that takes time. Writing has always been a therapeutic activity for me since I was young, so this is where I am starting. Join me on this journey of figuring out how to heal myself because I am sure it will be one hell of a ride.
Until next time….
The Office Black Girl 